Taking a leap

I have heard more and more people make comments lately when anyone is real on social media. I read the comments that say social media isnt the place, and that no one needs to know your "ugly stuff"... or, "that's the stuff we choose not to show, because it isn't something other people need to know." The more I think about the reality that social media has made a world full of imperfect people focus on perfection that is completely unattainable, the more my heart breaks. The more I fall into anxiousness. Not because I expect anyone to be sympathetic or even acknowledge my own struggles, but because we were made to love, not hide from one another. We typically have hundreds of 'friends' that we really know nothing about and that's not something that I am proud to be a part of.

I have been struggling with fear and anxiety more than usual lately.  It tends to creep up on me when I feel good, and in control of myself again. As I get older I realize that anxiety is nothing more than a thief. It steals joy. It steals hope. It steals moments. I've grown more and more bitter toward it, because those moments it takes are mine. I didn't offer them, or neglect them....they are just taken, without warning, but certainly not without notice. Fear and anxiety are often paralyzing. Sometimes it takes going against what every single muscle in your body is screaming at you- just to take a leap, and that leap can be something as seemingly small as answering a phone call or leaving the house some days. I know I say it often, but I am so thankful for these girls. I am thankful that between them and God's word there is always hope for me to be pulled back to reality and rescued from the darkness that comes with fear. I am putting more of my "ugly" out there, because it is what we face daily that makes us who we are, the good and the bad. I'm saying all of this to say, we shouldn't be afraid to share our struggles and hurt. The story of your climb could very well fill the missing rung on the ladder for someone else.

We have a tool at our finger tips to help us reach people that are lonely or hurting, but we have told those people that sharing isn't the thing to do. I refuse to believe that the compassionate people that I admire would prefer to have people hide their hurt.

 You don't have to cry in the shower. It is OK to cry with a friend. It doesn't mean you are weak. You don't have to sit alone and convince yourself that you can't tell anyone how you feel. There are people out here that want to listen to and pray for you. Even Elsa learned, "dont let them in don't let them see" just leds to more hurt. (#girlmom)😊

We have such an amazing opportunity to build a loving community around each other, if we just take the first step by saying, "you don't have to be afraid to share."

I'll go first...
Sweet friends, you don't have to be afraid to share. I know that often bruises don't show on the surface, but that doesn't take away the pain. You are not broken. You were created in such a beautiful image. I know it's not easy to remember, but He has scars too. There is beauty there. There is precious restoration in community that simply can't happen alone. I am here for you. You are loved. You are cared for. You are worthy. You are so worthy. There is hope. There is healing. ❤

I didn't realize until the past year that it is possible to be happy and lonely at the same time. I always imagined loneliness would look like depression and hurt looks. The thing is, things don't always fit into the boxes we imagine. You can be happy, thankful, and blessed, but still be lonely. The truth is, making grown up friends can be hard. Finding people that can relate to your season is hard. Allowing people to get to know your heart brings a lot of feelings- it's hard, exciting, hopeful and overwhelmingly terrifying at the same time. Connecting with people on a below the surface level can be rough. Not every season is beautiful, but there is beauty to be found in every season.

Sometimes, just like the trees in the winter, all of our leaves fall off and we are left with the bare, vulnerable, uncovered branches that make up who we are. There are moments that sometimes turn into long seasons when the covering that hides us, comforts us, and keeps us feeling secure is stripped off and we are left standing there feeling uncomfortable and lonely.

The thing I'm realizing about this season is that while I am ready for it to end, it's something that needed to happen. Being bare and uncomfortable I am being forced to put myself out there more.

I am learning to stop making excuses for who and how I am. I am learning to stop coming up with reasons why, in my mind, other women hold more value than I do. I am learning to stop telling myself that they wouldn't be friends with me because I wear t-shirts and jeans and they dress so cute. Surely they think I don't care to do more with myself. Or their house is always immaculate and I have paint hand prints on the wall and a sink full of dishes....always. Who wants to be friends with someone they think is a slob?I am certain they wouldn't want to be friends with a woman like me. We are too...different? I have heard these and so many more, but not from other women. It's simply something my mind has over analyzed, taking away the opportunity to see if a friendship could be there, because I have already made that decision for both of us. This season is silencing that inner voice.

This season is turning the faint whispers that softly said, "you are made in the image of God" into booming yells that remind me of my cheerleader days...you know, the ones that are loud and sometimes annoying, but they are cheerful, supportive, encouraging yells that you simply can't continue to ignore.

Being lonely has led me to seek even more of God's face. I'm not just seeking comfort, I'm seeking a friendship that cannot be found in even the best of friends on earth and you know what? He provides.

I am learning how to be patient in waiting periods (even though it's a struggle many days.) I can already assure you the patience thing is going to come in hand in the teenage years that are rapidly approaching.

You know how when you're in the middle of a bitter winter, summer feels so far away? That's how a season of loneliness feels. Let's be honest, that how many seasons feel. You know it's coming, but it feels so far away sometimes. Then, out of the blue the sun peeks through the gray skies and you feel the warm sun shine down. Even if it's only for a second- it may be a verse you read that made you feel like God specifically wrote it to you, for this moment. Or it may be a sweet unexpected conversation, a kind gesture of understanding from another person struggling in the season they are in too, or maybe even just a smile from a stranger. These moments are golden. They are the little bits of love sent to serve as a reminder that this too shall pass, and eventually, all seasons change.

Loneliness is not a hot topic that we all want to talk about, or make posts about. There is something about the word lonely that instantly makes you feel defeated, but as a mom that has been in this season for a while...I wish we could talk about it more. Maybe then it wouldn't feel so foreign. Maybe then, if and when you enter it, it won't feel like your walking around aimlessly in uncharted territory.

You know when you read that post about threenagers and it makes you giggle a little? You get it, but can't fully comprehend its magnitude because you are holding that sweet 3 month old in your arms that doesn't have witty comebacks yet, only sweet gummy smiles. Then, you blink and that precious 3 month old is 3.5 and you're struggling and something makes you remember that post you read way back then. It strikes a happy place in your heart because it reminds you that others have come to this place before you and made it out alive! There is hope for you after all!

We need more of that comfort, understanding and more "sweet friend, I have been there" when it comes to loneliness, friendship hurdles, parenting struggles, depression and other less glamorous topics.

I'm putting this out there to say, if you are in a cold season and you need a little warmth, let's talk about it. Let's mention it and not just lightly, in passing. We don't have to harp on it, but can't we be real with each other? Isn't our mission here is to show love and lead others to God? What better way is there than to embrace other women who are struggling, hurting, lost, or lonely? Then, when we finally enter a warmer season we can rejoice together and celebrate the fact that not only does God give us grace, he sends amazing women to do the same, who have been where we are and made it out just fine.

Let's not just overlook all the struggles and act like if we don't mention it, it isn't there and it never happened. Other women are longing to hear that it happened, because we are longing for someone to relate to. Your struggle doesn't have to be yours alone. We can share the burden.

Couldn't we work on being more transparent with each other? Why stand in a cold, lonely shadow when we can bring warmth and sunshine to someone else? Our struggles have the power to help in this world full of hurt and hopelessness. We can help fill the darkness with rays of light that are full of hope and grace.

God gave us the potential, even in our biggest struggle, to be a game changer for someone else...and you never know, they may do the same for you. That's kingdom work and in case you need a reminder just like I did, it's worth putting yourself out there for. ❤️

Reaching for a hand, when I should be seeking a face.

When I originally pulled out my laptop it was to write about our upcoming journey and all of the decisions we are being faced with, but I decided to spend some time in my prayer journal first. I have been seeking wisdom for my husband and I to make the right decisions, take the right paths, be the leaders we need to be for our family, especially our pre-teens for a long time and I'll be honest, while I know without a doubt God is hearing, at times I have been frustrated that he isn't always so swift to answer.

I have been feeling the need to write something, anything, for a while now, but always shrug it off either because I don't have anything I want to write about, or I just don't have time between the constant cooking, dishes and schoolwork. Writing hasn't been a priority, even when I could feel I was being urged to make time to do it.

As soon as I opened this page to start writing I could hear God say, "FINALLY!" It's funny how He works, isn't it? I always expect to hear his whispers while I am in his word, or spending time journaling my prayers. Reading that out loud, it really sounds sort of selfish on my part, doesn't it? Why do I always need something? Is the only reason I spend time with God each day because of what I need from him? Is this a two way street like that? I give him an hour each day, he gives me what I ask for? I mean, after all, relationships are give and take, right? Why do I always want expect God to talk to me about my problems, when I should just be spending time getting to know him through his word. Why do I open my bible and even if I don't say it, subconsciously, I am hoping that I am going to open that sweet little book up to the perfect page that lays out all of the answers before me. You know you've said it too, "God, please just let me open my bible up to a page that was meant for me right now. I need to hear you."

I may be on my own here, but while I am a total introvert in this world, I am not when it comes to my relationship with God. I am not afraid to ask things of him, or to put it all out there. The problem with that is, I do so much talking, so much requesting, that I do not spend enough time listening.
Please know that I am not saying not to go to God in prayer when you have a need. Go to him first, always. 

The thing about God is, he never asks for our relationship to be a classic give and take. He never tells us, let's make a deal. He always listens, always comforts, always accepts and always loves- even when we have absolutely nothing to offer him.

When I think about how God loves me and my relationship with him, I always think about being a mom. There will never be anything that my daughters could do, to make my love for them go away. I will never stop seeing the beauty in them. No matter how far they stray, I will never give up hope on them. Why? Because they are mine. I have watched them grow. I have watched them change. I know their hearts. I know they are worth fighting for. I know that He feels the same way about me (and you.)

I am selfish. I do things with motives that I don't even realize sometimes. I am human. God knows this. He just needed me to remember too. Gotta love it when you feel like you're growing so much spiritually, then he takes you right back to the basics. The reality is, we aren't being brought back to square one; we're being reminded that we are still learning, still on a journey, and if you ask me, it's pretty darn humbling. I realize now, that I have been spending so much time in the word, praying, reading, learning, seeking his hand to lead me, to comfort me, to love me. While it was with great and honest intentions, I have been doing it completely wrong. 

All this time I should have been seeking his face, not his hand. When I seek him unselfishly, he gives his whole self in return. Seeking his face means that I am not just searching for what he has to offer me, I am longing to be in his presence. There is comfort there and love, insurmountable love. Seeking his face means that I am unselfishly, with no other motivation, trying to reach God, just to be near him; only then am I going to undoubtedly hear Him and keep an open line of communication.

So, today is a turning point for me. I am going to seek God with new intentions. All I want, is to embrace him. I want to know him more. I want to sit at his feet and dwell in the glory that was, that is, and will be- because my God, he's got my back. He knows what I need. He knows where I need it, when I need it and how I need it. I need to focus on trusting him more and letting there be enough stillness and quiet that I can hear his whispers. Those sweet whispers are worth more than gold.

My heart has heard you say, "come and talk with me." And my heart responds, "Lord, I am coming."

In the moment

Tonight's post will be short and sweet, because I have been without my husband all week and I am utterly exhausted (here's to time away to realize what a helpful husband you have.)

Tonight's challenge post is "something I do every day." I could list several things that I am grateful for that I get to do every day, breathing, waking up to the sunshine pouring in my windows, waking up next to the man that I love, praying diligently over my precious family, seeing God's grace in countless situations through the day, and soooo many more things. But the one thing that I do every day, that I appreciate the most in this season of my life is having the opportunity to tuck my girls in and kiss them good night. I know it seems like such a simple task, or...some nights it can seem like a daunting one when you're ready to fall into bed after a rough day, but I know these nights won't last forever. One day, one day very soon, our girls won't want me to tuck them in, and kiss them good night. So, for now, I am going to savor each little bedtime moment that I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to embrace with them. I will give "just one more ugga mugga" and many nights I may snuggle with them for a while. When I am gone and all they have are memories with me, I want them to remember me being patient in the fragile little moments, like when they are burdened with the pre-teen stress from their day as they lay down their heads, or when they were 4 and scared of the dark. I want them to look back and remember the gentle caress of their hair when all the rest of the world seemed rough. I will never be a superhero, but I pray that I can be exactly what they need, in these moments.

Night, loves. <3

Beauty in the mundane

As a stay at home, homeschooling Mom, I often take for granted the things that are right in front of me; the biggest being my girls. I have 3 amazing daughters. They are 12, 10 and 4. They are every ray of sunshine in my mornings and every twinkling star in my night. Being with them 24-7, I often catch myself focusing on the countdown to bedtime, or the (rare) date night or Mom's night out. I know that to keep myself healthy I need time away from my kids, but I also know that without them, I wouldn't be who I am.

I am making it my goal this week to focus more on the beauty in the mundane. The bubble baths with Brenny, Ha asking me to braid her hair, or the long lasting hugs (every hour) from E.

 I have family that lives in a beautiful place, surrounded by stunning mountain views. When we went to visit them not long ago, I asked my sweet cousin if you ever stop noticing the magnificence that surrounds you. She told me yes, you do. You get busy and pass the same mountain several times a day. After a while it all starts blending in to the background, but then, God sends a awe inspiring sunset, or a rainbow, or just extraordinary clouds and you look harder and are reminded of all of the glory in what has been around you the entire time.

These beautiful girls are something I see every day. I am human, and that means that there will be moments, hours, days that are not my finest. There are many days that I let the beauty slip through the cracks under the door and all I see is the in and out, the back and forth, the bickering, but in reality, these tiny moments- the ones that may not seem to hold much value or priority in the moment, they are the moments that make up the most grand picture that is my life. I am so thankful for my girls. I am thankful for the big moments and little.  I want focus more on actually seeing them, and all of their splendor, instead of letting them slip into background beauty. The greatest masterpieces are the most captivating and these girl are just that. They hold so much beauty, so much love and laughter in their little hearts. There will be days that I fail, but as their Mom I am making it my goal, every day, to focus on their beauty and let the walls be background, not them. <3

My biggest feat

Most people who know me know that I struggle with anxiety. It has kept me paralyzed by fear and missing out on so many special moments in the last several years of my life. It is not something I am quiet about. I think more people should talk about mental disorders, and I firmly believe that anxiety is right up there with depression. It can absolutely wreck your life, if you let it.

In my struggle with anxiety I have learned a lot about myself; some things that I never wanted to know, and others that I am happy to have found. The biggest thing I have learned is that it is dyer that we know what makes us tick, where our happy place is and what restores our soul. For me, nature is like a tall drink of water. On my worst days, a walk alone, listening to the rain on my window, or even just 5 minutes sitting on my porch, basking in the sweet sunshine and the sound of the birds does wonders for restoring my spirit.

Taking time to breathe some fresh air and truly be observant of my surrounds, I always have the most gentle reminder that MY God made this. HE did all of this simply by speaking it into existence. He gave breath to the trees and a song to the birds, and there is no doubt that He can help me overcome my anxiety. Nature is my go to friend and my steady reminder that with Him, all things are possible and that is something that I am eternally grateful for. 

This place called home

A Renewing Sunset

I love seeing all the posts about great husbands and wives today! It feels so good for someone to go beyond their everyday norm to show you what you mean to them.

Every relationship is so different. I know I have several friends fighting for theirs, many that are seasoned in this marriage thing, and many of us that still have young marriages. I think regardless of our current season in our marriage, we are all messing up, learning, and doing our best to love each other the ways we know how.

When we went to Wyoming a few months ago, I asked a local if they ever stop seeing the mountains in the background. They responded that often they do, then God will paint an amazing sunset, or send something spectacular that will reopen their eyes to all that is around them. I think marriage is a lot like that. We tend to get busy in our day to day and unintentionally lose sight of all that our spouses do every day. It can be hard with small kids to find alone time and renew our relationship. It can be hard when you both work and come home exhausted every day to keep investing more of you, when you already feel stretched so thin. I think Valentine's Day can work a lot like a miraculous sunset. If we let it, it can serve as a gentle reminder of what we have in our spouse.

I know everyone is different, but even as much as I love my man , sometimes...I just need one of those sunsets.

Since we are all so different, I am curious- Valentine's Day aside, what makes your spouse a "keeper" everyday? Is it the way he works hard for your family? Or how she always cooks dinner (even when she burns it)? ;)  Or those random slow dances in the kitchen? Or that kiss that never fails to come before you say goodnight? I really don't think we put enough emphasis on how important the little things are in a relationship.

If you read this entire thing- wow. <3 I pray that for all of my sweet friends this Valentine's Day is one of those sunset moments for you and your spouse.

Here's to happiness and laughter,
Ashley

Look up

If you haven't see the video, LOOK UP ,  you really should take a moment to check it out. I was just saying at dinner, when my girls asked me about why I don't have a Facebook anymore, that I thought it would be hard, being disconnected, but it is actually liberating. I feel like life is back in my face and never did I realize how many precious little moments I was missing.  <3

A new found talent

I just wanted to take a minute to share a little bit of new found information with you. I have a talent that I had no clue I had. I am an expert eyebrow artist. Ah, not really a talent? Well...at the least, I am adding disaster relief coordinator to my resume. As someone in our family (not mentioning any names) accidentally lost the majority of their eyebrows today, I was unsure of whether to laugh or cry...but I choose to laugh, which was the only thing that kept me from crying, but in turn...I think it pushed them closer to tears. Accidents happen, but...I learned two things from the eyebrow situation: One, I love Allison. She texted me through the situation when all I wanted to do was cry, because I was so embarrassed and sad for this person. She had me rolling with her comments, that were honestly harmless and lighthearted. She also advised me to go pour a drink, and drink it...which was the best advice I have had all day. And two, things are never as bad as they seem.


As Allison sent a text reminding us, it's a darn good thing I am a better eyebrow artist than this chick...

Disaster relived, until the hair grows back anyway, which explains why I am adding disaster relief coordinator to my resume. I wear many hats, be jealous...and a little afraid. Just another day in the life....

The man behind the counter

It was about 6:00 when we pulled into the Raceway for a quick few dollars in gas. Em was going to run in and pay. Normally, Em and Ha would go together,  but since Ha was at a friend's for the night, Em wanted to go alone, and I said OK and also gave in to her plea for a snack for her and Boo to share. She was in there for what felt like a long time, but I saw several people go in and I thought there was probably someone buying a money order, or lotto ticket that was taking a while, in front of her. After several minutes, I decided I was going to wake up Boo, take her out of her seat and go check to make sure she hadn't run in to any unexpected trouble, or hurry her on her snack decision. Right as I got to the front of my car, she appeared at the door of the store and walked toward the car. She got in, explained her snack decision and buckled...no big deal.

The pump wasn't set, so I had to go back in and tell the clerk. I watched as he helped the man before me, calm and normal, but once I told him the number of my pump and gave a little refresher, "my daughter just came in..." I got, "yes, yes...um...13.68, she bought a candy and paid the rest for gas." To which I agreed, and explained the pump wasn't set. He said he would fix it and quickly turned away. He went from calm and friendly with the man before me, to skittish and uncomfortable with  me.

As we pulled away, I had a weird gut feeling, but I didn't want to speak on it, because what is there to tell a 9 year old about the man that was acting weird...nothing she would understand.

Then, before we even make it out of the parking lot, she begins to talk to me, "Mom, that man behind the counter was strange. He was asking me a bunch of questions and rang up the candy, but didn't mention the gas." He checked out the other people, while still asking her questions. I quickly asked her, what was he asking, thinking, hoping he was just being friendly. "He asked me my name 3 times. He asked me how old I am, what grade I am in, what school do I go to....and if my Mom is outside. I really thought next he was going to ask me where I live." In response, I said, "what would you have answered had he asked you that?" Hoping to hear the answer I needed, proving that I have taught her about sharing too much, but at this point wondering if she has ever heard a word about stranger danger that I have preached. She said, "I was going to walk to the car. I'd never tell him that." Phew bullet dodged, but then, his sudden change in character while I was in the store struck a chord with me. My mind flew to a million different places and suddenly, I felt my stomach sink. Thank God nothing happened to my girl.

As Em and I talked about the situation, I learned that after he checked the others out, she was the only one left in the store for a minute. He called a girl, Heidi, from the back and said her name was Em and she was buying candy and gas. I really think that spooked Em. She is so innocent, so caring and obviously, so oblivious. My heart stopped for a minute thinking of what could have happened in those short 3 or 4 minutes.

Later, as I told B about the situation, he made the choice to call TPD, not to make a report against the man, but to inform them of what had happened, if nothing else, to ease his mind about it. The lady that took down the notes was friendly and agreed that she would feel the same way, if it had  been her child and told B she was going to pass it, along with his information (in case they wanted more info) on to the big boss. I think just knowing that someone knew, and agreed that it was an unnerving experience, made it seem a little better.

Thankfully, my daughter wasn't hurt...and I didn't have to go crazy Mom on some gas station clerk. However, this did bring a valuable lesson. We teach our kids about the danger of strangers...you know, the creepy ones, the ones with tattoos, the ones that drive vans with no windows, the ones that linger at the park with no kids....but so often we forget to teach them about the danger of the good looking strangers too, that are supposed to be helpful, like the store clerk, the ice cream man, the postal worker, the trusted coach or teacher....or, sadly, even family members. It is a scary thought, but we will be sitting down, once both big girls are home tomorrow and having a serious talk about boundaries.

I explained to Em that you NEVER have to answer questions from anyone, especially questions that leave you in an uncomfortable situation, or feeling weird in your tummy. Adults can be intimidating. We teach our kids to speak when spoken to, to be polite and not rude, especially to adults....so I think it can be very confusing when they are in a situation like Em was today, when her gut told her to walk away, but everything we have taught her told her to be respectful and not rude.

Phew, what an eye opener. My entire point to this is...we can't put our kids in a bubble. The world is rough and mean and hard to understand and a bit scary, especially from a child's point of view. Where is the line? How do you teach your kids to be respectful, to trust people...at least some people, but  not all people....to know the right ones...the right questions to answer, the wrong ones to walk away from, the situations that are harmless and the ones to ignore?

I am definitely going to rethink the way I word things, and work more on making them strong, confident young ladies that know to ALWAYS, ALWAYS, trust their instinct, before they resort to following the rules about respect, etc. It sounds like I am unraveling everything I have taught them, but I pray that I can find the right words to help them understand the fine line that they will face far too often, living in this world.

I pray for these girls every day, several times a day, but goodness...how my prayers are changing as they grow up and enter more and more into this crazy place we call home.

I hope you'll take a few minutes to have a heart to heart with your kiddos about all of the danger there can be, even in the people that we would never expect there to be anything but helpfulness from. You never know, it could save their life.

The love lists...

Tonight, after dinner we all sat around the table talking about potentially fostering, and all that it entails, and the conversation somehow drifted into boys, first loves and heartbreaks. It was interesting, to say the least. I heard some stories from my girls that made me giggle and remembered some stories of my own that helped remind me of how far I have come...in love and life in general. B and I answered all of the pre-teen girly, we obviously know nothing about heartbreak yet, questions that were thrown at us, from first kisses to how it feels when you break up with someone you really care about. It was a lighthearted, funny, lots of giggles conversation. I can't count on one hand how many times Em enthusiastically said, "Oh yeah...I've seen that happen in movies" , which made me laugh a little inside. Movies are the only way they know this kind of heartbreak. It makes me happy to know that they weren't old enough to remember details of the relationship their bio-dad and I had together. While there was a lot of love, at times...there was a lot of other stuff and most definitely a lot of heartbreak.  I wouldn't trade a minute of it, because I got two amazing girls from it and more lessons than one wants to learn...about both giving and receiving love.

The girls asked about first boyfriends and I rattled off a list of a few names with memories attached that I still hold dear, whether it be for the friendships, or the lessons learned. We talked about boys who were friends, that I loved...one that I cried for days when he moved, some that just drifted away that I don't really remember there being an end to our friendship. They asked about Dad's girlfriends. I even learned a couple of names I hadn't known before. He told them never to go on a second date with a boy who tries to kiss you on your first date. Leave it to him to throw in some instruction that they'll not likely remember any of when they finally start to date, years from now lol. (And by years...we have given them permission to date when they are 30...we have lightened up. It used to be 35.)
I can't remember the last time I reminisced out-load. It was nice...to remember the days. We talked about sweet Ben, who had no fingers on one hand, from an accident when he was young- he was my protector and best friend in daycare, before my Gran started keeping kids.  We talked about Shelby, and how Priscilla and we left flowers in his mailbox for him to find...knowing that he knew who put them there, but giggling because we thought that maybe he would have no idea. And how I was devastated when he moved (I couldn't have been older than 8 or 9) and how surprised I was that he visited on occasion when he was in town. He was the first boy that showed me how a guy, even a kid, should treat a girl. Always respectful, helpful and kind. Not to mention a couple of years older than us, so of course he was super cool. To my first boyfriend that I held hands with, to the one that had no interest in me, to the big one...that eventually left me sobbing for days, maybe even weeks- unsure if my life would go on. All the way to B...and our silly little stories about how we talked on the phone for hours, and had lots of fun getting to know each other, even though we knew each other for a while before we dated. Silly things, like me bringing him donuts to the schools we worked at together, but saying that I brought them for everyone, not just him, to him asking me to marry him, in the rain, because he was going to wait, but he has zero patience and knows how much I love the rain.

The girls had little stories to share too, most of which I have heard,  but B hadn't. Emma kissing a boy's cheek and making the excuse that there was a spider on his cheek and she didn't want to slap him (oh, this girl lol.) To Halie really liking a  boy that befriended her in Missouri, and after he told her she was cute, another girl paying him to "date" her. These girls...they constantly remind me of what it was like to be a young girl. I wish I could tell them to enjoy being a kid, before it is too late.

Oh and you can't forget the silly advice from the girls to each other, like Emma's, "never date a vampire- they don't sleep and he might watch you sleep. You know, if they were real." And when you break up, you get to eat ice cream in bed. :p

Tonight, the little innocent conversation, that meant so much to our girls made me realize how happy I am to have had all of the love, or lack of love experiences to share with them...of course in more detail, when they can really gain something from it. I hope and pray that I am around long enough to cry with them, when the time comes, to laugh at the silliness, and to be on cloud nine alongside them, when they really find "the one." Most of all, I am so, so very grateful that they know that they can trust us, talk to us, laugh and even cry with us.I know, they are still young, but you can't start that kind of relationship when the trouble starts, once they are teens. I am a high and low parent. We have good days, and bad. I have good days and bad. I make good choices and some that I wish I could rewind and redo, as a parent and otherwise, but we are blessed with some amazing girls. I know it is more that, than that we are good parents. Whatever, however, I just hope that we can keep an honest, open door between us as they get older, and it goes from giggles, to the hard stuff.

These are the moments I live for.

Finding Grace...

A lot  has happened since I last posted anything here. I have really good intentions, but never seem to be able to follow through...such is life. I love writing...it truly is something I am passionate about, but for some reason it seems so hard to pick up a pen (or in this case, log on to blogger) and pour out my heart. Perhaps it is because I have so much laid on my heart lately that I don't know where to start, or I am afraid of actually seeing all of it spelled out in front of me. I am just at a weird place in life right now. Nothing is bad, but a part of me just feels lost.

I am not going to leave room for assumptions, my marriage is good. I am married to my very best friend, a man that loves God and loves me, so that makes it easy to keep standing strong when other things seem to be a whirlwind of crumbling stone.

My children are wonderful. They are healthy, they are happy, and they are the light in my days.

I think there is just a battle of sorts going on within me. It is really strange how you can genuinely be happy with your life, but still feel a void or chaos ensuing. I am taking this as an answer to my prayers though. I have prayed and prayed for me to be able to get closer to God and work out things that only I can only overcome with him in my every moment and I see that this is the perfect opportunity. Sometimes He doesn't answer our prayers the way we anticipate, but I have learned to roll with it, because his plan is far greater than mine. I made a conscious choice several years ago, to see the beauty in the storm and to choose joy over and over again...this is just another lesson in perfecting that, to me.

So, a couple of days ago I  deactivated my FB account on a whim, and I am making a choice to simplify my life for a while so that I can take the moments that I would normally be reading about the lives of people I love, and many that I used to know, to strengthen my relationship with God and spend more time in the word and with myself. This is a chance for me to re-learn/be reminded of some things about myself and Him and his unfailing love, that I seem to have forgotten.

This has been my sort of theme song lately. I am just really feeling a need and desire to seek His presence and that is something that I want to listen to. I know that finding him is the only way to find myself.

It is also hitting me lately how quickly my girls are growing. I want to use this as an opportunity to spend more time reading with them, playing outside, tending to the ouchies, taking all of the sweet hugs and kisses I can get, and just loving on them...before they have more important things to do that hang out with Mom.

I am really excited for this little journey I am starting. I think sometimes we all need a little self discovery. I am going to become more diligent about blogging, for the simple fact that I would like something to look back on...and, of course, my original intention for starting this blog in the first place- I want my girls to have a tiny piece of me when I am gone, and writing is the only way that I know to do that. <3

The road less traveled

I have struggled with the choice of whether or not to HS for a couple of years now. I prayed constantly for B and I to just see what we were supposed to do, because all I wanted was the best for our kids. It had nothing to do with anything else...I only wanted the best for our kids. Seeing everyone post about how beaten up their children are over STAAR, and reading numerous posts about opting out that lead to huge debates...I realize that my kids have spent the week being carefree. This week has not been about preparing, pushing, or struggling. It has been about going to the library to see what we can find about the Renaissance to study because they WANT to learn. It has been about finding books for my kid that "will never read well enough" and her gleaming over the fact that she read a 300 page book, by herself. Our mornings are not spent rushing to our stop, they are spent outside on the porch, eating their breakfast, running around the yard, using their imaginations and building relationships with their sisters that will last a lifetime. Our days, every day are about finding who and where they want to be and what makes them happy. Of course, they do math and several other things, whether or not they like it, but they genuinely have a say in their education and they have grown from just learners to interested thinkers. I am not saying I deserve credit for that, but I am saying that I know now, with all of my heart that we made the right decision for us. Don't get me wrong- I am not knocking public school (testing a little, but def. not PS)  I don't think homeschooling  is for everyone, but I am so grateful that it is for us!

Ironically, Halie was reading a book and part she read today  was talking about how her teacher transforms from their usual sweet teacher, to a "maximum security prison guard." She came to me and said, "Mom...I am so glad I don't have the stress from STAAR anymore."

I often find myself thanking God for giving us the ability and the strength to make a decision to go against the grain and follow the road less traveled.

Off to the big world of blogging...

Since we home school, it has been made clear a lot lately that my girls aren't getting enough technology thrown in their faces. Since we are fairly new to the HS world, I honestly never even considered this. When I first brought them home, I was set on focusing on the areas that they were struggling with and bringing them back up to pace, to the best of my ability. Well, they have come, seen, done and got numerous shirts. These girls are rock stars and have blown me out of the water with how quickly they have been able to catch up and catch on. Makes me wonder what was ever wrong in the first place....but that's another post, for another time.

Long story short- we have decided to let our girls create their own blogs. They came up with names, picked out the "perfect" backgrounds, etc and off they go.

As I am typing now, they are sitting down plotting out their first post and what it will include. To say they are excited would be an understatement.

They are equipped with all of the internet safety talks, information about how something is on the internet once, it never goes away- even if you delete it, and all of the million other scary facts that I could think of. I mean, lets be honest, the internet, while it is a great thing...has broken a lot of people. I want my girls to have the tools that they need to succeed, including common sense.

So...here are the links to their blogs (which are both under my name so I can monitor them.)
They would  be thrilled to get any positive comments or anything else you may have to offer a 9 and 10 year old, just trying to figure this technology thing out. :)

Em's:  http://emmasworldofdreams.blogspot.com/

Ha's: http://biglifeofhalie.blogspot.com/


Here's to a positive blogging experience, filled with a ton of useful information and skills learned- and praying that they don't get eaten up by the big world of blogging...and everything else at your fingertips.

Friendship has been really heavy on my heart lately. I have my girls that I have been friends with as far back as I can remember and our friendship works great. It fits us well and we understand each other and know that we are here for each other, always- even if we are out of sight. I struggle with new friendships though. I am not an in your face friend. I am not an in your face person, so it's only fitting that I am not that kind of friend. Does it mean that I don't love someone? That I don't appreciate someone? Or that I don't care to be friends with them?  No! Not at all! It just means that I am not perfect. I long to please people- which makes it really hard for me to, because it will never be good enough. I struggle to know when it is the right time, the right words, the right things to do....because if I just jumped at every thought of someone (like I often feel the desire/need to) I would never be home with my family.

A friend and I had a great conversation a while back and she referred to it as, the disease to please. I could not describe it any more perfectly. Through our conversation I realized that I want to make people happy and tend to set an unrealistic bar, that I cannot attain. Then, when I fail at keeping it up- I not only let myself down, but they are also struck with a new kind of friend...which is not 100% agreeable, 100% I will drop anything I am doing to work on your problem....simply not 100%. But lets be honest...who can always be 100%? Most definitely not me...or I wouldn't need friends in the first place.

I love my friends. All of them, but I have found that many people that I thought I had great friendships with will label me, judge me and intentionally hurt me the minute I no longer aim to please and fit their mold. I have lost several friends lately because things happened in my life, the same time as theirs and I wasn't there enough. I am human. I fail. I cannot, will not, refuse to try anymore to be a friend to perfection. Being in a relationship with anyone, friendship or otherwise is accepting someone, along with their imperfections. I have a lot of imperfections. It hurts to think of what you thought were  healthy friendships ending because they didn't take a moment to ask if you were OK...or ask why you haven't been around much, but they called it quits because you weren't in their face about their trials and hard times. We are all fighting something, facing something and feeling overwhelmed at some time. We just don't all show it the same ways. I had one person say, "well, you never posted anything about that on FB." People, come on!!! Not every bit of information is meant for the internet.

This is something I have really been struggling with. I have put too much effort into trying to figure out what I did wrong, or when I should have done differently. I understand. However, what I failed to consider is they only made assumptions about why I wasn't there when they felt I should have been. Or, whatever the situation may have been. None of my "friends" that have turned their back to me because I failed to be the perfect friend have ever called, sent a text, or taken a single moment to ask about me and mine- and what's been going on...if they had, they would have known that I was not just being inconsiderate, or failing to be thoughtful. They would know that whatever situation they were in, whether I talked to them daily or not- they were in my prayers every night....and in my thoughts so much more than that.

Why am I so hard on myself because a "friend" got upset and stopped talking to me, when they were not being a friend to me either...or they wouldn't have been so quick to judge and would have just asked...hey, what's up? Why you being all distant lately? I mean....who is the one really missing out when they throw their hands up in the air and say I'm done? It has taken me a long time to understand.
If you find that in your friendships, you search for a moment to catch your friends doing you wrong...not being able to be attentive enough, or being the friend you think they should be, there is a big chance that you are wasting too much time trying to make them something they are not and you are missing the good in them. So, while you waste so much time overlooking the good, to search for the moment there is bad....take a minute to think about what kind of friend that makes you. No one is perfect. You can love, without being in your face (some people, like me...are just weird like that.) Instead of looking for the negative, try focusing on all of the positive. They may not fit your mold, but you may be missing out on a great love from someone, simply because you wanted them to be selfless, when you were not even able to be.

Mind boggling to me how we, as humans expect the ones we love to love so much better than we do.

I have learned over the past few months and couple of different situations that I struggle with a need for acceptance from people that should not matter, in that sense. Without even thinking before I do, I try to conform to whatever it is that they expect from me. Try to fit in a box of the good friend, the nice ex, the happy to help stranger. By doing this, I constantly set myself up for failure. I have never in my life wanted to be perfect...ever. When I fall short, which I do ALL the time, people who loved me (and I am using that word very loosely) get mad, ugly or unfriendly and I am left wondering what I did wrong. I now realize that I am the only person to blame and I did everything wrong, from the first moment that I wasn't 100% true to myself. We all know that no one is perfect, ESPECIALLY me. I am always a day late and a dollar short. The reality is, no matter how hard I try- I am not going to be able to please everyone. I am not sure why I ever thought there was a need to anyway and I am also a little confused as to why any person whether it be a friend, family member or complete stranger would think that it is OK to expect someone to be perfect, any time, much less all the time. My resolution for the upcoming year is to really work on being genuine to myself and not worrying so much about what anyone thinks about it. There are so many wonderful people in my life that love me for who I really am, because they know the real me...the good and the bad and they choose to love and accept me for it, just like I do them. I know it isn't Jan. 1 yet, and you don't start new years resolutions before Christmas, but I think any time is a good time for a positive change. I know that this is the best gift I could possibly give myself and I also know that I need a huge jump start on it because it is going to be much harder for me than it sounds.


                                                                  




 If you are not willing to accept me for who I am, with all of my imperfections, then lets stop being unrealistic friends...because I just need the real ones.

So, for those of you who are my "friends" and may not really know me....(at no fault of your own)

I am WEIRD (no really) but not in a creepy way. :p

I get really awkward when talking to people I don't know, because while I am not shy- I just never can make the right words come out of my mouth; this is why I write. I really want to make a difference in the world, but I always fall short.

There is never a time that I am not late (except when it comes to work, which I don't do anymore...so, again...never a time...)

No matter how hard I try, I will never be a morning person and my bed will always be my favorite place to be.

My soul wants to wander, but my heart is content.

My point to this is in now way to surface any drama, because there really isn't any- it isn't directed at anyone, or anything like that. Its only purpose is to be a voice, a pledge to myself to hold myself to different standards.

My entire life I have wished for both roots and wings, but only ever felt like I had the roots. I had the desire for the wings, but would never use them because of what someone may think. I want to leave my girls with roots, wings and the ability to use them however they desire. This is my first step.

To all of my friends who join in on my weirdness, accept my super ability to be late to everything without even trying, can laugh with me at my awkwardness in new situations and will sit in pj's with me at 12:00 in the afternoon, because we either haven't been up for long, or are both too lazy to put real clothes on...THANK YOU! Thank you for accepting me for who I am and allowing me to embrace my imperfections. The world needs more of you! <3

I know you've met her....

I know I am not the only one that notices. It's a sad day when you can't even buy 10 minutes to finish what you started. I have met her. I know you have met her. That lady in the grocery store that has her hair pulled back in a pony tail, only mascara on (and she's lucky she has that much) and her finger nails painted....one ONE hand.


How do I know you've met her? Because I am her...and well, most of you reading this have met me. Actually, come to think of it- most of us have a little bit of her in us. We start something for us, but something else comes up. The kids need a snack, the hubby needs help, a friend calls- instantly, we put our nails on the back burner because, lets be honest, there are more important things.

Being a Mom you wear many hats. One lesson I have learned becoming a Mom and watching as my close friends have transformed into Moms is that those hats do not usually consist of a "me" hat. It seems to be so hard to put ME first. I understand. If we don't put our family first, our friends first, our house first- who will? Well...who is putting you first?

Let me clarify, I love being a Mom. I think that it is the one thing I do better than anything else. I feel chosen, important, special because I am the mother to my children. It is who I am. Wait? Is it? When did I go from being Ashley, an individual to H, E and Boo's Mom? When did I lose my name? How did I lose my name? Most importantly, how did I not notice I lost it? Does it really matter that I have lost my name? YES! It does. If you are anything like I was, you are wondering why? It's an honor to be "______'s Mom." I am fine with people knowing that my kids are my every waking hour, my heart's beat...my all! What is this woman thinking? Here comes another guilt trip....

No. No guilt trips, because I let a bad case of buried identity control my life for a long time. Why do I call it buried identity? Because when we have kids and a husband that we love, we want them to be happy. We long to give them the best that we can. When something has to be sacrificed, it will never be them. So, what happens? What happens when there are only 24 hours in a day, and we need 25? We fulfill what we need to keep our families going and we put off whatever needed to be done for ME. It can wait until tomorrow. Lying in bed we rattle off our schedule for tomorrow in our minds. 9- doctor for kid x, 12- play date for kid y, 4- dance for kid z, 6- soccer for kid x. Where does that thing that we put off yesterday fit in? Oops, guess it can wait until tomorrow....again...it'll be fine. Do you see where I am going? We bury our wants, our needs and our desires, ending in a horrible case of buried identity. It is still there, it is just way, way down there. Can you get it back? Of course, but you can't be afraid to get your nails dirty. It will take a lot of digging. It will take....time. It is going to take some sacrifice too..only this time, the sacrifice can't be you. Lets be honest, it won't be the end of the world if you take 30 minutes out of the day to work on taking a layer of dirt off of yourself.

You can only go for so long without taking care of you. If you can't take care of yourself, who will be there to take care of the ones you so dearly love?

This may not be you. This may be you, but you're denying it. It may be you, but you are finding every reason, every excuse to convince yourself that this is how it should be until your kids are grown. It may be no one but me...at least today.
 

For the few of us that can relate to having a buried identity, let's make a pledge. It can be secret. It's more fun that way. :p I pledge to take 15 minutes, EVERY day to myself. Time to work on taking layers of dirt off of myself, to reveal my beautiful identity. One layer at a time. It won't happen over night, but I will work every day toward fulfilling my wants, needs and desires...OK, we can start by just uncovering what they are. This can be ANYTHING. At nap time take 15 minutes to sit on the couch and use your favorite lotion. Doesn't everyone have a happy scent? (Cucumber melon. :p) When your hubby gets  home, take a shower....with...wait for it, THE BATHROOM DOOR LOCKED! Write a little if it fits your fancy. Or...you could always paint the nails on your other hand.



I can't wait to see who we uncover....

This little light of mine.

There are many days that I feel like a failure as a Mom. Tonight is one of those nights that I am reminded that by the grace of God, these girls are turning out alright.

Tonight, the girls learned about a situation with someone they do not know....their parents disowned them as a teen, for something they did not agree with. When saying prayers, E thanked God for giving her a good Mom and Dad and asked Him to look out for this "kid", show him that he is loved and prayed that if his parents have another kid, that they accept it more than they did him.

I am overprotective and my girls are sheltered in many ways, but one thing I refuse to do is hide that there are sometimes cruel, cold or hurt people in the world we live in. I want to teach them while I can to love, not hate. We talk a lot about being Christians and what it means, but honestly....I never see a better example of who I want to be as a Christian, than I do in the innocence of children. They are loving and accepting, the way that I know I am loved an accepted by Him. I want to be more like my children. I see more love, compassion, generosity and acceptance in these little girls than I would ever be capable of.

When we are struggling to be our best, the best place to look is in the eyes and actions of our children. They are wonderful reminders of what we should strive to be. ♥

Thank you, Halie, Emma and Brenna for (without even knowing) being the light in my life that makes me a strive to be a better person. I cannot imagine a life without my girls. I pray that if nothing else, you can hold on to an piece of your generous, loving and accepting spirit.  I hope that one day, when you need it the most, you will see that wonderful light in a child (whether it be your own, or not), just like I see in you.

I love you to the moon!

Rainbows, Sponge Bob and wine!

I feel the need to post something that makes me smile, since I just realized my last however many blog posts have basically been me whining. Sponge Bob and Rainbows = a smile, add in wine and you're at my happy place. Just sayin'. ;)

I'm really going to start working on the more wine, less whine thing.