Reaching for a hand, when I should be seeking a face.

When I originally pulled out my laptop it was to write about our upcoming journey and all of the decisions we are being faced with, but I decided to spend some time in my prayer journal first. I have been seeking wisdom for my husband and I to make the right decisions, take the right paths, be the leaders we need to be for our family, especially our pre-teens for a long time and I'll be honest, while I know without a doubt God is hearing, at times I have been frustrated that he isn't always so swift to answer.

I have been feeling the need to write something, anything, for a while now, but always shrug it off either because I don't have anything I want to write about, or I just don't have time between the constant cooking, dishes and schoolwork. Writing hasn't been a priority, even when I could feel I was being urged to make time to do it.

As soon as I opened this page to start writing I could hear God say, "FINALLY!" It's funny how He works, isn't it? I always expect to hear his whispers while I am in his word, or spending time journaling my prayers. Reading that out loud, it really sounds sort of selfish on my part, doesn't it? Why do I always need something? Is the only reason I spend time with God each day because of what I need from him? Is this a two way street like that? I give him an hour each day, he gives me what I ask for? I mean, after all, relationships are give and take, right? Why do I always want expect God to talk to me about my problems, when I should just be spending time getting to know him through his word. Why do I open my bible and even if I don't say it, subconsciously, I am hoping that I am going to open that sweet little book up to the perfect page that lays out all of the answers before me. You know you've said it too, "God, please just let me open my bible up to a page that was meant for me right now. I need to hear you."

I may be on my own here, but while I am a total introvert in this world, I am not when it comes to my relationship with God. I am not afraid to ask things of him, or to put it all out there. The problem with that is, I do so much talking, so much requesting, that I do not spend enough time listening.
Please know that I am not saying not to go to God in prayer when you have a need. Go to him first, always. 

The thing about God is, he never asks for our relationship to be a classic give and take. He never tells us, let's make a deal. He always listens, always comforts, always accepts and always loves- even when we have absolutely nothing to offer him.

When I think about how God loves me and my relationship with him, I always think about being a mom. There will never be anything that my daughters could do, to make my love for them go away. I will never stop seeing the beauty in them. No matter how far they stray, I will never give up hope on them. Why? Because they are mine. I have watched them grow. I have watched them change. I know their hearts. I know they are worth fighting for. I know that He feels the same way about me (and you.)

I am selfish. I do things with motives that I don't even realize sometimes. I am human. God knows this. He just needed me to remember too. Gotta love it when you feel like you're growing so much spiritually, then he takes you right back to the basics. The reality is, we aren't being brought back to square one; we're being reminded that we are still learning, still on a journey, and if you ask me, it's pretty darn humbling. I realize now, that I have been spending so much time in the word, praying, reading, learning, seeking his hand to lead me, to comfort me, to love me. While it was with great and honest intentions, I have been doing it completely wrong. 

All this time I should have been seeking his face, not his hand. When I seek him unselfishly, he gives his whole self in return. Seeking his face means that I am not just searching for what he has to offer me, I am longing to be in his presence. There is comfort there and love, insurmountable love. Seeking his face means that I am unselfishly, with no other motivation, trying to reach God, just to be near him; only then am I going to undoubtedly hear Him and keep an open line of communication.

So, today is a turning point for me. I am going to seek God with new intentions. All I want, is to embrace him. I want to know him more. I want to sit at his feet and dwell in the glory that was, that is, and will be- because my God, he's got my back. He knows what I need. He knows where I need it, when I need it and how I need it. I need to focus on trusting him more and letting there be enough stillness and quiet that I can hear his whispers. Those sweet whispers are worth more than gold.

My heart has heard you say, "come and talk with me." And my heart responds, "Lord, I am coming."