I have learned over the past few months and couple of different situations that I struggle with a need for acceptance from people that should not matter, in that sense. Without even thinking before I do, I try to conform to whatever it is that they expect from me. Try to fit in a box of the good friend, the nice ex, the happy to help stranger. By doing this, I constantly set myself up for failure. I have never in my life wanted to be perfect...ever. When I fall short, which I do ALL the time, people who loved me (and I am using that word very loosely) get mad, ugly or unfriendly and I am left wondering what I did wrong. I now realize that I am the only person to blame and I did everything wrong, from the first moment that I wasn't 100% true to myself. We all know that no one is perfect, ESPECIALLY me. I am always a day late and a dollar short. The reality is, no matter how hard I try- I am not going to be able to please everyone. I am not sure why I ever thought there was a need to anyway and I am also a little confused as to why any person whether it be a friend, family member or complete stranger would think that it is OK to expect someone to be perfect, any time, much less all the time. My resolution for the upcoming year is to really work on being genuine to myself and not worrying so much about what anyone thinks about it. There are so many wonderful people in my life that love me for who I really am, because they know the real me...the good and the bad and they choose to love and accept me for it, just like I do them. I know it isn't Jan. 1 yet, and you don't start new years resolutions before Christmas, but I think any time is a good time for a positive change. I know that this is the best gift I could possibly give myself and I also know that I need a huge jump start on it because it is going to be much harder for me than it sounds.


                                                                  




 If you are not willing to accept me for who I am, with all of my imperfections, then lets stop being unrealistic friends...because I just need the real ones.

So, for those of you who are my "friends" and may not really know me....(at no fault of your own)

I am WEIRD (no really) but not in a creepy way. :p

I get really awkward when talking to people I don't know, because while I am not shy- I just never can make the right words come out of my mouth; this is why I write. I really want to make a difference in the world, but I always fall short.

There is never a time that I am not late (except when it comes to work, which I don't do anymore...so, again...never a time...)

No matter how hard I try, I will never be a morning person and my bed will always be my favorite place to be.

My soul wants to wander, but my heart is content.

My point to this is in now way to surface any drama, because there really isn't any- it isn't directed at anyone, or anything like that. Its only purpose is to be a voice, a pledge to myself to hold myself to different standards.

My entire life I have wished for both roots and wings, but only ever felt like I had the roots. I had the desire for the wings, but would never use them because of what someone may think. I want to leave my girls with roots, wings and the ability to use them however they desire. This is my first step.

To all of my friends who join in on my weirdness, accept my super ability to be late to everything without even trying, can laugh with me at my awkwardness in new situations and will sit in pj's with me at 12:00 in the afternoon, because we either haven't been up for long, or are both too lazy to put real clothes on...THANK YOU! Thank you for accepting me for who I am and allowing me to embrace my imperfections. The world needs more of you! <3

I know you've met her....

I know I am not the only one that notices. It's a sad day when you can't even buy 10 minutes to finish what you started. I have met her. I know you have met her. That lady in the grocery store that has her hair pulled back in a pony tail, only mascara on (and she's lucky she has that much) and her finger nails painted....one ONE hand.


How do I know you've met her? Because I am her...and well, most of you reading this have met me. Actually, come to think of it- most of us have a little bit of her in us. We start something for us, but something else comes up. The kids need a snack, the hubby needs help, a friend calls- instantly, we put our nails on the back burner because, lets be honest, there are more important things.

Being a Mom you wear many hats. One lesson I have learned becoming a Mom and watching as my close friends have transformed into Moms is that those hats do not usually consist of a "me" hat. It seems to be so hard to put ME first. I understand. If we don't put our family first, our friends first, our house first- who will? Well...who is putting you first?

Let me clarify, I love being a Mom. I think that it is the one thing I do better than anything else. I feel chosen, important, special because I am the mother to my children. It is who I am. Wait? Is it? When did I go from being Ashley, an individual to H, E and Boo's Mom? When did I lose my name? How did I lose my name? Most importantly, how did I not notice I lost it? Does it really matter that I have lost my name? YES! It does. If you are anything like I was, you are wondering why? It's an honor to be "______'s Mom." I am fine with people knowing that my kids are my every waking hour, my heart's beat...my all! What is this woman thinking? Here comes another guilt trip....

No. No guilt trips, because I let a bad case of buried identity control my life for a long time. Why do I call it buried identity? Because when we have kids and a husband that we love, we want them to be happy. We long to give them the best that we can. When something has to be sacrificed, it will never be them. So, what happens? What happens when there are only 24 hours in a day, and we need 25? We fulfill what we need to keep our families going and we put off whatever needed to be done for ME. It can wait until tomorrow. Lying in bed we rattle off our schedule for tomorrow in our minds. 9- doctor for kid x, 12- play date for kid y, 4- dance for kid z, 6- soccer for kid x. Where does that thing that we put off yesterday fit in? Oops, guess it can wait until tomorrow....again...it'll be fine. Do you see where I am going? We bury our wants, our needs and our desires, ending in a horrible case of buried identity. It is still there, it is just way, way down there. Can you get it back? Of course, but you can't be afraid to get your nails dirty. It will take a lot of digging. It will take....time. It is going to take some sacrifice too..only this time, the sacrifice can't be you. Lets be honest, it won't be the end of the world if you take 30 minutes out of the day to work on taking a layer of dirt off of yourself.

You can only go for so long without taking care of you. If you can't take care of yourself, who will be there to take care of the ones you so dearly love?

This may not be you. This may be you, but you're denying it. It may be you, but you are finding every reason, every excuse to convince yourself that this is how it should be until your kids are grown. It may be no one but me...at least today.
 

For the few of us that can relate to having a buried identity, let's make a pledge. It can be secret. It's more fun that way. :p I pledge to take 15 minutes, EVERY day to myself. Time to work on taking layers of dirt off of myself, to reveal my beautiful identity. One layer at a time. It won't happen over night, but I will work every day toward fulfilling my wants, needs and desires...OK, we can start by just uncovering what they are. This can be ANYTHING. At nap time take 15 minutes to sit on the couch and use your favorite lotion. Doesn't everyone have a happy scent? (Cucumber melon. :p) When your hubby gets  home, take a shower....with...wait for it, THE BATHROOM DOOR LOCKED! Write a little if it fits your fancy. Or...you could always paint the nails on your other hand.



I can't wait to see who we uncover....

This little light of mine.

There are many days that I feel like a failure as a Mom. Tonight is one of those nights that I am reminded that by the grace of God, these girls are turning out alright.

Tonight, the girls learned about a situation with someone they do not know....their parents disowned them as a teen, for something they did not agree with. When saying prayers, E thanked God for giving her a good Mom and Dad and asked Him to look out for this "kid", show him that he is loved and prayed that if his parents have another kid, that they accept it more than they did him.

I am overprotective and my girls are sheltered in many ways, but one thing I refuse to do is hide that there are sometimes cruel, cold or hurt people in the world we live in. I want to teach them while I can to love, not hate. We talk a lot about being Christians and what it means, but honestly....I never see a better example of who I want to be as a Christian, than I do in the innocence of children. They are loving and accepting, the way that I know I am loved an accepted by Him. I want to be more like my children. I see more love, compassion, generosity and acceptance in these little girls than I would ever be capable of.

When we are struggling to be our best, the best place to look is in the eyes and actions of our children. They are wonderful reminders of what we should strive to be. ♥

Thank you, Halie, Emma and Brenna for (without even knowing) being the light in my life that makes me a strive to be a better person. I cannot imagine a life without my girls. I pray that if nothing else, you can hold on to an piece of your generous, loving and accepting spirit.  I hope that one day, when you need it the most, you will see that wonderful light in a child (whether it be your own, or not), just like I see in you.

I love you to the moon!

Rainbows, Sponge Bob and wine!

I feel the need to post something that makes me smile, since I just realized my last however many blog posts have basically been me whining. Sponge Bob and Rainbows = a smile, add in wine and you're at my happy place. Just sayin'. ;)

I'm really going to start working on the more wine, less whine thing.

Public school haters.

I LOVED my kids school until this year. I am not the average homeschooling, I know better than anyone else, public school hater. (Not that every HS parent is like that. I have met so many wonderful people.) I feel like there should be a middle place. We can and should support other parents, whether they homeschool or send their kids to school each day on a bus.

These past few months have been some of the highest highs and lowest lows that I have ever experienced. What have we done different? HOMESCHOOL. I love the idea of homeschooling. Not because I hate the PS system, or don't want my kids to socialize with people with other beliefs, etc....but because I love the idea of my girls getting to learn in a comfortable enviroment. I love the thought of them curling up on the couch with their books, or hanging upside down off the bed, because they focus better to read and comprehend better. With that being said, I have seriously been considering re-enrolling them to the local public school this coming year.

Why? Where do I start? Anyone who knows me well, knows that I have anxiety issues. I am constantly doubting what, where, when, how I am teaching them. While I have seen Emma absolutely excel in math, I still worry about her reading. I still worry that I am not equipped to handle her ADD or dyslexia. Halie, like me has anxiety issues. While they are not extreme, our stress levels being raised does not help. Halie desperately misses her friends. I know- friends aren't everything, but she has been in the school system for 5 years, with the same kids- they have become like her daytime family. I hope that if we were just ripped away from her she would long for us....so I understand her being depressed and missing them. In turn, all of this has caused a lot of friction in my relationship with her. She doesn't listen to me, we constantly go back and forth over the silliest things and I feel like instead of teaching, I am just constantly disciplining and we stay on the verge of tears. This may be normal for some people, but it is NOT for us. We have never been the parents that had to discipline all the time. Do we just let them roam free and do their own thing? Heck no, I've been told many times that we are too strict, etc. They are generally just really good, well mannered kids. I feel like I am failing them most, in showing them how to respond and act in situations. I blow my lid far too often, I have no patience anymore and I feel like I am utterly failing them. They only have one childhood- I do not want to spend it on edge, being bitter, too busy to stop and listen and taking things out on them that I NEVER should.

So there, it is out! I have been putting off writing, posting, saying anything about how I feel for fear of being ridiculed by other homeschooling parents. I LOVE that is works so well for so many people. I WISH, with my whole heart that it was working better for us. Instead, I just feel depressed and like a failure. I do not know what the next school year will bring, but I know that lots of prayer and doing what is best for my family, including me will be considered extremely thoroughly.

Pray for some direction and some calm over our house. We need it more than ever.

PHEW, now I am going to bed. :)

I want to scream, but have to remind myself to breathe

Ever have those days that you want to scream at the top of your lungs, but you couldn't if you tried because you feel like you're already having to remind yourself to breathe? That is my day, today. Halie woke up with a little tummy ache and it set her mood sour for the rest of our day. She was in tears over math and spent almost 2 hours on something that should have take 30 minutes. This is my kid that goes above and beyond in math. I hope it's just an off day.

Emma was feeding off Halie's mood and was in tears when I told her she HAS TO TRY! Just make an effort. She was watching how Halie was reacting to things and I guess she thought, hey...this may be  a chance to stall. Any time Emma is in tears, I usually break down- so imagine both girls in tears. :( Yep, it's been a Kleenex kind of day.

Most of our days are good. I understand that everyone will have bad days. We had bad days when they were in school, we have bad days with them at home. Some things are just inevitable.

I love that they are here and I feel like they are doing great, but I can't help but wonder if I am too stretched on days like today. I was never the Mom to just break down easily, or walk away. I am so stressed that I feel like there is no way I can properly be giving them the positive influence that they need.
I know that the only answer to this is to shape up. To get out of the slump that I am in and to do the best that I can.

It doesn't help that MOST of the Moms that I know are on a similar journey ONLY post/say positive things. They make things look so easy. They take pictures with their hair and makeup done, ironed clothes free from stains from feeding the little one lunch. I do good to get a shower these days. THEN, they continue to post the beautiful all organic meals that they have prepared for lunch AND DINNER(that is ironically ready just as their husbands walk through the door.) I feel like OMGoodness! Can we say overwhelmed!?! I did good to slop that PB & J on their almost hard bread for lunch. WHAT AM I MISSING? Seriously, lets be real....every day cannot be that good. There have to be days that aren't smooth and easy. Why? Because life is not always smooth and easy. Many days I wonder what I am doing wrong. I don't fit in with these women...because of abc. I don't fit in with this group because of xyz.

If you are out there....and a lost and in between, like me. Just remember:

 

Tomorrow is a new day!

For Addie

 Hi Addie! We REALLY miss you! We hope you are having a great time at your new school. GUESS WHAT!?! When we woke up one morning there was SNOW everywhere. It was SO much fun. We know you get a lot of snow where you moved to, but we wanted to show you some pictures of us playing in the snow. Even though we live really far away from each other now- we can still have fun and look at silly pictures together.

Emma was trying to make a snow ball from some snow on top of the trash can and it fell and went right in her face. It was SO funny! She laughed....and ate some trashy snow ball too. :)

Brenna wouldn't look at us so we could take a picture, but she misses you SO much! She walks outside all the time and yells, "ADDIE....ANNIE....where are you!?" Don't tell Trenton, but she misses him too. I think she thinks he is cute.

Halie was making a BUNCH of snow balls. She made so many! She had a snowball fight with Emma and Brian. They hit Brian right in the face with a HUGE snowball!!! We all laughed really hard. 

Emma wrote this letter for you. You are her best friend and she misses you a lot. (We all do.)

It says: I miss you Addie. I hope you are enjoying your new home and friends. I can't wait to see you.
Love, Emily

 

Brian says HI too. He did a special thumbs up just for you!

We love and miss you Addie! AND TRENTON too!


Trenton, we didn't forget about you! You're next. ;)

Hope you guys are loving it at your new home and we will talk to you soon!

A new normal...

Today is the first day since the kids have been home that I feel has gone somewhat normal. While I know it is going to take time, today I can feel us inching toward our new normal...and it's good.

I was watching Joel Osteen last night with my Gran and honey and he was talking about focusing on the good, not the bad. I am really working on this. It's so easy, as a new home school Mom, heck- as a wife and Mom in general to feel defeated. I have to remind myself quite often that a bad day does not equal defeat. I'm still learning, but I am trying SO hard.

With that being said, this is the first day that I do not feel the need to make excuses to myself about what we didn't get done. We had a rough start to our morning, but I decided that it was not going to dictate how the rest of our day would go. Of course it helped that all 3 girls woke up with smiling faces and in a great mood.

We had a yummy breakfast together without me rushing our morning. Mornings are really important to me. The set the entire tone for things. Still being in all of the public school habits, mornings are a little rough. We are not used to sleeping in until 8 and waking up slowly, having a nice breakfast together, then doing some school in PJs and getting dressed whenever we feel like it, or need a break. This has to be the hardest thing for both me and Halie. We are still setting our new norm, we will get there.

After breakfast we read for a little bit together. It was a nice wake-me-upper for all of us. I had planned to let them play outside (which is one of the things I hope to make a norm in our morning schedule) because fresh air is so perfect for morning minds. When the weather was nice, after I took the big girls to school, Brenna and I would sit out on our back porch and I would have a cup of coffee, or more often a cup of warm tea while she played for a while. It gave me some serenity and got all of those morning wiggles and grumpies out for her.

Then, we got busy with our school work. Em and Halie worked on math. Halie is working on memorizing multiplication tables. She has most of them, but it takes her a while to think of them. Today she made flash cards and we worked on them together for a while. I watched her massivly improve in a matter of 30 minutes. (Score!)  Emma is still working on borrowing and the little things. She  needs her basics to be really strong before we move on.

We worked on some reading/grammer for a while after that. 

I have an awesome Road Trip states study. We are doing that for now until their books come in. THANKFULLY, they were shipped and should be here by Monday. We will make it work until then. The road trip book goes from state to state with facts and activities. We started at Wisconsin today. Our friends just moved there and the girls were very eager to learn about the state. It started us off on the right foot. It was fun.

Now, the baby is down for a nap and the big girls are giggling in the kitchen making clay valentines for family that they love so much. ;) I found a super simple recipe for salt clay and we are on our second round of baking now. They should all be done soon. They look amazing.

I knew this was going to be a rocky transition. I knew that there would be good days and bad. I have been dobuting my decision over the past week, because I have just felt lost and overwhelmed. Today renewed my spirit. I know I am doing the right thing. I can't wait to see how far we go.

That's all for now. :) We are going to go do a bible study on Moses. I am learning that the girls don't know as much as I wish they did about the bible and what an awesome God we serve, so we are going to make it a priority to fix that.

Hope everyone is having a splendid day! Thank you for reading my long post. ;)