Rainbows, Sponge Bob and wine!

I feel the need to post something that makes me smile, since I just realized my last however many blog posts have basically been me whining. Sponge Bob and Rainbows = a smile, add in wine and you're at my happy place. Just sayin'. ;)

I'm really going to start working on the more wine, less whine thing.

Public school haters.

I LOVED my kids school until this year. I am not the average homeschooling, I know better than anyone else, public school hater. (Not that every HS parent is like that. I have met so many wonderful people.) I feel like there should be a middle place. We can and should support other parents, whether they homeschool or send their kids to school each day on a bus.

These past few months have been some of the highest highs and lowest lows that I have ever experienced. What have we done different? HOMESCHOOL. I love the idea of homeschooling. Not because I hate the PS system, or don't want my kids to socialize with people with other beliefs, etc....but because I love the idea of my girls getting to learn in a comfortable enviroment. I love the thought of them curling up on the couch with their books, or hanging upside down off the bed, because they focus better to read and comprehend better. With that being said, I have seriously been considering re-enrolling them to the local public school this coming year.

Why? Where do I start? Anyone who knows me well, knows that I have anxiety issues. I am constantly doubting what, where, when, how I am teaching them. While I have seen Emma absolutely excel in math, I still worry about her reading. I still worry that I am not equipped to handle her ADD or dyslexia. Halie, like me has anxiety issues. While they are not extreme, our stress levels being raised does not help. Halie desperately misses her friends. I know- friends aren't everything, but she has been in the school system for 5 years, with the same kids- they have become like her daytime family. I hope that if we were just ripped away from her she would long for us....so I understand her being depressed and missing them. In turn, all of this has caused a lot of friction in my relationship with her. She doesn't listen to me, we constantly go back and forth over the silliest things and I feel like instead of teaching, I am just constantly disciplining and we stay on the verge of tears. This may be normal for some people, but it is NOT for us. We have never been the parents that had to discipline all the time. Do we just let them roam free and do their own thing? Heck no, I've been told many times that we are too strict, etc. They are generally just really good, well mannered kids. I feel like I am failing them most, in showing them how to respond and act in situations. I blow my lid far too often, I have no patience anymore and I feel like I am utterly failing them. They only have one childhood- I do not want to spend it on edge, being bitter, too busy to stop and listen and taking things out on them that I NEVER should.

So there, it is out! I have been putting off writing, posting, saying anything about how I feel for fear of being ridiculed by other homeschooling parents. I LOVE that is works so well for so many people. I WISH, with my whole heart that it was working better for us. Instead, I just feel depressed and like a failure. I do not know what the next school year will bring, but I know that lots of prayer and doing what is best for my family, including me will be considered extremely thoroughly.

Pray for some direction and some calm over our house. We need it more than ever.

PHEW, now I am going to bed. :)

I want to scream, but have to remind myself to breathe

Ever have those days that you want to scream at the top of your lungs, but you couldn't if you tried because you feel like you're already having to remind yourself to breathe? That is my day, today. Halie woke up with a little tummy ache and it set her mood sour for the rest of our day. She was in tears over math and spent almost 2 hours on something that should have take 30 minutes. This is my kid that goes above and beyond in math. I hope it's just an off day.

Emma was feeding off Halie's mood and was in tears when I told her she HAS TO TRY! Just make an effort. She was watching how Halie was reacting to things and I guess she thought, hey...this may be  a chance to stall. Any time Emma is in tears, I usually break down- so imagine both girls in tears. :( Yep, it's been a Kleenex kind of day.

Most of our days are good. I understand that everyone will have bad days. We had bad days when they were in school, we have bad days with them at home. Some things are just inevitable.

I love that they are here and I feel like they are doing great, but I can't help but wonder if I am too stretched on days like today. I was never the Mom to just break down easily, or walk away. I am so stressed that I feel like there is no way I can properly be giving them the positive influence that they need.
I know that the only answer to this is to shape up. To get out of the slump that I am in and to do the best that I can.

It doesn't help that MOST of the Moms that I know are on a similar journey ONLY post/say positive things. They make things look so easy. They take pictures with their hair and makeup done, ironed clothes free from stains from feeding the little one lunch. I do good to get a shower these days. THEN, they continue to post the beautiful all organic meals that they have prepared for lunch AND DINNER(that is ironically ready just as their husbands walk through the door.) I feel like OMGoodness! Can we say overwhelmed!?! I did good to slop that PB & J on their almost hard bread for lunch. WHAT AM I MISSING? Seriously, lets be real....every day cannot be that good. There have to be days that aren't smooth and easy. Why? Because life is not always smooth and easy. Many days I wonder what I am doing wrong. I don't fit in with these women...because of abc. I don't fit in with this group because of xyz.

If you are out there....and a lost and in between, like me. Just remember:

 

Tomorrow is a new day!

For Addie

 Hi Addie! We REALLY miss you! We hope you are having a great time at your new school. GUESS WHAT!?! When we woke up one morning there was SNOW everywhere. It was SO much fun. We know you get a lot of snow where you moved to, but we wanted to show you some pictures of us playing in the snow. Even though we live really far away from each other now- we can still have fun and look at silly pictures together.

Emma was trying to make a snow ball from some snow on top of the trash can and it fell and went right in her face. It was SO funny! She laughed....and ate some trashy snow ball too. :)

Brenna wouldn't look at us so we could take a picture, but she misses you SO much! She walks outside all the time and yells, "ADDIE....ANNIE....where are you!?" Don't tell Trenton, but she misses him too. I think she thinks he is cute.

Halie was making a BUNCH of snow balls. She made so many! She had a snowball fight with Emma and Brian. They hit Brian right in the face with a HUGE snowball!!! We all laughed really hard. 

Emma wrote this letter for you. You are her best friend and she misses you a lot. (We all do.)

It says: I miss you Addie. I hope you are enjoying your new home and friends. I can't wait to see you.
Love, Emily

 

Brian says HI too. He did a special thumbs up just for you!

We love and miss you Addie! AND TRENTON too!


Trenton, we didn't forget about you! You're next. ;)

Hope you guys are loving it at your new home and we will talk to you soon!