A lot has happened since I last posted anything here. I have really good intentions, but never seem to be able to follow through...such is life. I love writing...it truly is something I am passionate about, but for some reason it seems so hard to pick up a pen (or in this case, log on to blogger) and pour out my heart. Perhaps it is because I have so much laid on my heart lately that I don't know where to start, or I am afraid of actually seeing all of it spelled out in front of me. I am just at a weird place in life right now. Nothing is bad, but a part of me just feels lost.
I am not going to leave room for assumptions, my marriage is good. I am married to my very best friend, a man that loves God and loves me, so that makes it easy to keep standing strong when other things seem to be a whirlwind of crumbling stone.
My children are wonderful. They are healthy, they are happy, and they are the light in my days.
I think there is just a battle of sorts going on within me. It is really strange how you can genuinely be happy with your life, but still feel a void or chaos ensuing. I am taking this as an answer to my prayers though. I have prayed and prayed for me to be able to get closer to God and work out things that only I can only overcome with him in my every moment and I see that this is the perfect opportunity. Sometimes He doesn't answer our prayers the way we anticipate, but I have learned to roll with it, because his plan is far greater than mine. I made a conscious choice several years ago, to see the beauty in the storm and to choose joy over and over again...this is just another lesson in perfecting that, to me.
So, a couple of days ago I deactivated my FB account on a whim, and I am making a choice to simplify my life for a while so that I can take the moments that I would normally be reading about the lives of people I love, and many that I used to know, to strengthen my relationship with God and spend more time in the word and with myself. This is a chance for me to re-learn/be reminded of some things about myself and Him and his unfailing love, that I seem to have forgotten.
This has been my sort of theme song lately. I am just really feeling a need and desire to seek His presence and that is something that I want to listen to. I know that finding him is the only way to find myself.
It is also hitting me lately how quickly my girls are growing. I want to use this as an opportunity to spend more time reading with them, playing outside, tending to the ouchies, taking all of the sweet hugs and kisses I can get, and just loving on them...before they have more important things to do that hang out with Mom.
I am really excited for this little journey I am starting. I think sometimes we all need a little self discovery. I am going to become more diligent about blogging, for the simple fact that I would like something to look back on...and, of course, my original intention for starting this blog in the first place- I want my girls to have a tiny piece of me when I am gone, and writing is the only way that I know to do that. <3
I have struggled with the choice of whether or not to HS for a couple of years now. I prayed constantly for B and I to just see what we were supposed to do, because all I wanted was the best for our kids. It had nothing to do with anything else...I only wanted the best for our kids. Seeing everyone post about how beaten up their children are over STAAR, and reading numerous posts about opting out that lead to huge debates...I realize that my kids have spent the week being carefree. This week has not been about preparing, pushing, or struggling. It has been about going to the library to see what we can find about the Renaissance to study because they WANT to learn. It has been about finding books for my kid that "will never read well enough" and her gleaming over the fact that she read a 300 page book, by herself. Our mornings are not spent rushing to our stop, they are spent outside on the porch, eating their breakfast, running around the yard, using their imaginations and building relationships with their sisters that will last a lifetime. Our days, every day are about finding who and where they want to be and what makes them happy. Of course, they do math and several other things, whether or not they like it, but they genuinely have a say in their education and they have grown from just learners to interested thinkers. I am not saying I deserve credit for that, but I am saying that I know now, with all of my heart that we made the right decision for us. Don't get me wrong- I am not knocking public school (testing a little, but def. not PS) I don't think homeschooling is for everyone, but I am so grateful that it is for us!
Ironically, Halie was reading a book and part she read today was talking about how her teacher transforms from their usual sweet teacher, to a "maximum security prison guard." She came to me and said, "Mom...I am so glad I don't have the stress from STAAR anymore." I often find myself thanking God for giving us the ability and the strength to make a decision to go against the grain and follow the road less traveled.
Since we home school, it has been made clear a lot lately that my girls aren't getting enough technology thrown in their faces. Since we are fairly new to the HS world, I honestly never even considered this. When I first brought them home, I was set on focusing on the areas that they were struggling with and bringing them back up to pace, to the best of my ability. Well, they have come, seen, done and got numerous shirts. These girls are rock stars and have blown me out of the water with how quickly they have been able to catch up and catch on. Makes me wonder what was ever wrong in the first place....but that's another post, for another time. Long story short- we have decided to let our girls create their own blogs. They came up with names, picked out the "perfect" backgrounds, etc and off they go. As I am typing now, they are sitting down plotting out their first post and what it will include. To say they are excited would be an understatement. They are equipped with all of the internet safety talks, information about how something is on the internet once, it never goes away- even if you delete it, and all of the million other scary facts that I could think of. I mean, lets be honest, the internet, while it is a great thing...has broken a lot of people. I want my girls to have the tools that they need to succeed, including common sense. So...here are the links to their blogs (which are both under my name so I can monitor them.) They would be thrilled to get any positive comments or anything else you may have to offer a 9 and 10 year old, just trying to figure this technology thing out. :) Em's: http://emmasworldofdreams.blogspot.com/ Ha's: http://biglifeofhalie.blogspot.com/ Here's to a positive blogging experience, filled with a ton of useful information and skills learned- and praying that they don't get eaten up by the big world of blogging...and everything else at your fingertips.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Friendship has been really heavy on my heart lately. I have my girls that I have been friends with as far back as I can remember and our friendship works great. It fits us well and we understand each other and know that we are here for each other, always- even if we are out of sight. I struggle with new friendships though. I am not an in your face friend. I am not an in your face person, so it's only fitting that I am not that kind of friend. Does it mean that I don't love someone? That I don't appreciate someone? Or that I don't care to be friends with them? No! Not at all! It just means that I am not perfect. I long to please people- which makes it really hard for me to, because it will never be good enough. I struggle to know when it is the right time, the right words, the right things to do....because if I just jumped at every thought of someone (like I often feel the desire/need to) I would never be home with my family.
A friend and I had a great conversation a while back and she referred to it as, the disease to please. I could not describe it any more perfectly. Through our conversation I realized that I want to make people happy and tend to set an unrealistic bar, that I cannot attain. Then, when I fail at keeping it up- I not only let myself down, but they are also struck with a new kind of friend...which is not 100% agreeable, 100% I will drop anything I am doing to work on your problem....simply not 100%. But lets be honest...who can always be 100%? Most definitely not me...or I wouldn't need friends in the first place.
I love my friends. All of them, but I have found that many people that I thought I had great friendships with will label me, judge me and intentionally hurt me the minute I no longer aim to please and fit their mold. I have lost several friends lately because things happened in my life, the same time as theirs and I wasn't there enough. I am human. I fail. I cannot, will not, refuse to try anymore to be a friend to perfection. Being in a relationship with anyone, friendship or otherwise is accepting someone, along with their imperfections. I have a lot of imperfections. It hurts to think of what you thought were healthy friendships ending because they didn't take a moment to ask if you were OK...or ask why you haven't been around much, but they called it quits because you weren't in their face about their trials and hard times. We are all fighting something, facing something and feeling overwhelmed at some time. We just don't all show it the same ways. I had one person say, "well, you never posted anything about that on FB." People, come on!!! Not every bit of information is meant for the internet.
This is something I have really been struggling with. I have put too much effort into trying to figure out what I did wrong, or when I should have done differently. I understand. However, what I failed to consider is they only made assumptions about why I wasn't there when they felt I should have been. Or, whatever the situation may have been. None of my "friends" that have turned their back to me because I failed to be the perfect friend have ever called, sent a text, or taken a single moment to ask about me and mine- and what's been going on...if they had, they would have known that I was not just being inconsiderate, or failing to be thoughtful. They would know that whatever situation they were in, whether I talked to them daily or not- they were in my prayers every night....and in my thoughts so much more than that.
Why am I so hard on myself because a "friend" got upset and stopped talking to me, when they were not being a friend to me either...or they wouldn't have been so quick to judge and would have just asked...hey, what's up? Why you being all distant lately? I mean....who is the one really missing out when they throw their hands up in the air and say I'm done? It has taken me a long time to understand. If you find that in your friendships, you search for a moment to catch your friends doing you wrong...not being able to be attentive enough, or being the friend you think they should be, there is a big chance that you are wasting too much time trying to make them something they are not and you are missing the good in them. So, while you waste so much time overlooking the good, to search for the moment there is bad....take a minute to think about what kind of friend that makes you. No one is perfect. You can love, without being in your face (some people, like me...are just weird like that.) Instead of looking for the negative, try focusing on all of the positive. They may not fit your mold, but you may be missing out on a great love from someone, simply because you wanted them to be selfless, when you were not even able to be.
Mind boggling to me how we, as humans expect the ones we love to love so much better than we do.
Friday, December 13, 2013
I have learned over the past few months and
couple of different situations that I struggle with a need for
acceptance from people that should not matter, in that sense. Without
even thinking before I do, I try to conform to whatever it is that
they expect from me. Try to fit in a box of the good friend, the nice
ex, the happy to help stranger. By doing this, I constantly set myself
up for failure. I have never in my life wanted to be perfect...ever.
When I fall short, which I do ALL the time, people who loved me (and I
am using that word very loosely) get mad, ugly or unfriendly and I am
left wondering what I did wrong. I now realize that I am the only person
to blame and I did everything wrong, from the first moment that I
wasn't 100% true to myself. We all know that no one is perfect,
ESPECIALLY me. I am always a day late and a dollar short. The reality
is, no matter how hard I try- I am not going to be able to please
everyone. I am not sure why I ever thought there was a need to anyway
and I am also a little confused as to why any person whether it be a
friend, family member or complete stranger would think that it is OK to
expect someone to be perfect, any time, much less all the time. My
resolution for the upcoming year is to really work on being genuine to
myself and not worrying so much about what anyone thinks about it. There
are so many wonderful people in my life that love me for who I really
am, because they know the real me...the good and the bad and they choose
to love and accept me for it, just like I do them. I know it isn't Jan.
1 yet, and you don't start new years resolutions before Christmas, but I
think any time is a good time for a positive change. I know that this
is the best gift I could possibly give myself and I also know that I
need a huge jump start on it because it is going to be much harder for
me than it sounds.
If you are not willing to accept me for who I am, with all of my imperfections, then lets stop being unrealistic friends...because I just need the real ones.
So, for those of you who are my "friends" and may not really know me....(at no fault of your own)
I am WEIRD (no really) but not in a creepy way. :p
I get really awkward when talking to people I don't know, because while I am not shy- I just never can make the right words come out of my mouth; this is why I write. I really want to make a difference in the world, but I always fall short.
There is never a time that I am not late (except when it comes to work, which I don't do anymore...so, again...never a time...)
No matter how hard I try, I will never be a morning person and my bed will always be my favorite place to be.
My soul wants to wander, but my heart is content.
My point to this is in now way to surface any drama, because there really isn't any- it isn't directed at anyone, or anything like that. Its only purpose is to be a voice, a pledge to myself to hold myself to different standards.
My entire life I have wished for both roots and wings, but only ever felt like I had the roots. I had the desire for the wings, but would never use them because of what someone may think. I want to leave my girls with roots, wings and the ability to use them however they desire. This is my first step.
To all of my friends who join in on my weirdness, accept my super ability to be late to everything without even trying, can laugh with me at my awkwardness in new situations and will sit in pj's with me at 12:00 in the afternoon, because we either haven't been up for long, or are both too lazy to put real clothes on...THANK YOU! Thank you for accepting me for who I am and allowing me to embrace my imperfections. The world needs more of you! <3
I know I am not the only one that notices. It's a sad day when you can't even buy 10 minutes to finish what you started. I have met her. I know you have met her. That lady in the grocery store that has her hair pulled back in a pony tail, only mascara on (and she's lucky she has that much) and her finger nails painted....one ONE hand.
How do I know you've met her? Because I am her...and well, most of you reading this have met me. Actually, come to think of it- most of us have a little bit of her in us. We start something for us, but something else comes up. The kids need a snack, the hubby needs help, a friend calls- instantly, we put our nails on the back burner because, lets be honest, there are more important things.
Being a Mom you wear many hats. One lesson I have learned becoming a Mom and watching as my close friends have transformed into Moms is that those hats do not usually consist of a "me" hat. It seems to be so hard to put ME first. I understand. If we don't put our family first, our friends first, our house first- who will? Well...who is putting you first?
Let me clarify, I love being a Mom. I think that it is the one thing I do better than anything else. I feel chosen, important, special because I am the mother to my children. It is who I am. Wait? Is it? When did I go from being Ashley, an individual to H, E and Boo's Mom? When did I lose my name? How did I lose my name? Most importantly, how did I not notice I lost it? Does it really matter that I have lost my name? YES! It does. If you are anything like I was, you are wondering why? It's an honor to be "______'s Mom." I am fine with people knowing that my kids are my every waking hour, my heart's beat...my all! What is this woman thinking? Here comes another guilt trip....
No. No guilt trips, because I let a bad case of buried identity control my life for a long time. Why do I call it buried identity? Because when we have kids and a husband that we love, we want them to be happy. We long to give them the best that we can. When something has to be sacrificed, it will never be them. So, what happens? What happens when there are only 24 hours in a day, and we need 25? We fulfill what we need to keep our families going and we put off whatever needed to be done for ME. It can wait until tomorrow. Lying in bed we rattle off our schedule for tomorrow in our minds. 9- doctor for kid x, 12- play date for kid y, 4- dance for kid z, 6- soccer for kid x. Where does that thing that we put off yesterday fit in? Oops, guess it can wait until tomorrow....again...it'll be fine. Do you see where I am going? We bury our wants, our needs and our desires, ending in a horrible case of buried identity. It is still there, it is just way, way down there. Can you get it back? Of course, but you can't be afraid to get your nails dirty. It will take a lot of digging. It will take....time. It is going to take some sacrifice too..only this time, the sacrifice can't be you. Lets be honest, it won't be the end of the world if you take 30 minutes out of the day to work on taking a layer of dirt off of yourself.
You can only go for so long without taking care of you. If you can't take care of yourself, who will be there to take care of the ones you so dearly love?
This may not be you. This may be you, but you're denying it. It may be you, but you are finding every reason, every excuse to convince yourself that this is how it should be until your kids are grown. It may be no one but me...at least today.
For the few of us that can relate to having a buried identity, let's make a pledge. It can be secret. It's more fun that way. :p I pledge to take 15 minutes, EVERY day to myself. Time to work on taking layers of dirt off of myself, to reveal my beautiful identity. One layer at a time. It won't happen over night, but I will work every day toward fulfilling my wants, needs and desires...OK, we can start by just uncovering what they are. This can be ANYTHING. At nap time take 15 minutes to sit on the couch and use your favorite lotion. Doesn't everyone have a happy scent? (Cucumber melon. :p) When your hubby gets home, take a shower....with...wait for it, THE BATHROOM DOOR LOCKED! Write a little if it fits your fancy. Or...you could always paint the nails on your other hand.
There
are many days that I feel like a failure as a Mom. Tonight is one of
those nights that I am reminded that by the grace of God, these girls
are turning out alright.
Tonight, the girls learned about a
situation with someone they do not know....their parents disowned them
as a teen, for something they did not agree with. When saying prayers, E
thanked God for giving her a good Mom and Dad and asked Him to look out
for this "kid", show him that he is loved and prayed that if his
parents have another kid, that they accept it more than they did him.
I am overprotective and my girls are sheltered in many ways, but one
thing I refuse to do is hide that there are sometimes cruel, cold or
hurt people in the world we live in. I want to teach them while I can to
love, not hate. We talk a lot about being Christians and what it means,
but honestly....I never see a better example of who I want to be as a
Christian, than I do in the innocence of children. They are loving and
accepting, the way that I know I am loved an accepted by Him. I want to
be more like my children. I see more love, compassion, generosity and
acceptance in these little girls than I would ever be capable of.
When we are struggling to be our best, the best place to look is in the
eyes and actions of our children. They are wonderful reminders of what
we should strive to be. ♥
Thank you, Halie, Emma and Brenna for (without even knowing) being the light in my life that makes me a strive to be a better person. I cannot imagine a life without my girls. I pray that if nothing else, you can hold on to an piece of your generous, loving and accepting spirit. I hope that one day, when you need it the most, you will see that wonderful light in a child (whether it be your own, or not), just like I see in you.
