I LOVED my kids school until this year. I am not the average homeschooling, I know better than anyone else, public school hater. (Not that every HS parent is like that. I have met so many wonderful people.) I feel like there should be a middle place. We can and should support other parents, whether they homeschool or send their kids to school each day on a bus.
These past few months have been some of the highest highs and lowest lows that I have ever experienced. What have we done different? HOMESCHOOL. I love the idea of homeschooling. Not because I hate the PS system, or don't want my kids to socialize with people with other beliefs, etc....but because I love the idea of my girls getting to learn in a comfortable enviroment. I love the thought of them curling up on the couch with their books, or hanging upside down off the bed, because they focus better to read and comprehend better. With that being said, I have seriously been considering re-enrolling them to the local public school this coming year.
Why? Where do I start? Anyone who knows me well, knows that I have anxiety issues. I am constantly doubting what, where, when, how I am teaching them. While I have seen Emma absolutely excel in math, I still worry about her reading. I still worry that I am not equipped to handle her ADD or dyslexia. Halie, like me has anxiety issues. While they are not extreme, our stress levels being raised does not help. Halie desperately misses her friends. I know- friends aren't everything, but she has been in the school system for 5 years, with the same kids- they have become like her daytime family. I hope that if we were just ripped away from her she would long for us....so I understand her being depressed and missing them. In turn, all of this has caused a lot of friction in my relationship with her. She doesn't listen to me, we constantly go back and forth over the silliest things and I feel like instead of teaching, I am just constantly disciplining and we stay on the verge of tears. This may be normal for some people, but it is NOT for us. We have never been the parents that had to discipline all the time. Do we just let them roam free and do their own thing? Heck no, I've been told many times that we are too strict, etc. They are generally just really good, well mannered kids. I feel like I am failing them most, in showing them how to respond and act in situations. I blow my lid far too often, I have no patience anymore and I feel like I am utterly failing them. They only have one childhood- I do not want to spend it on edge, being bitter, too busy to stop and listen and taking things out on them that I NEVER should.
So there, it is out! I have been putting off writing, posting, saying anything about how I feel for fear of being ridiculed by other homeschooling parents. I LOVE that is works so well for so many people. I WISH, with my whole heart that it was working better for us. Instead, I just feel depressed and like a failure. I do not know what the next school year will bring, but I know that lots of prayer and doing what is best for my family, including me will be considered extremely thoroughly.
Pray for some direction and some calm over our house. We need it more than ever.
PHEW, now I am going to bed. :)
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