Taking a leap

I have heard more and more people make comments lately when anyone is real on social media. I read the comments that say social media isnt the place, and that no one needs to know your "ugly stuff"... or, "that's the stuff we choose not to show, because it isn't something other people need to know." The more I think about the reality that social media has made a world full of imperfect people focus on perfection that is completely unattainable, the more my heart breaks. The more I fall into anxiousness. Not because I expect anyone to be sympathetic or even acknowledge my own struggles, but because we were made to love, not hide from one another. We typically have hundreds of 'friends' that we really know nothing about and that's not something that I am proud to be a part of.

I have been struggling with fear and anxiety more than usual lately.  It tends to creep up on me when I feel good, and in control of myself again. As I get older I realize that anxiety is nothing more than a thief. It steals joy. It steals hope. It steals moments. I've grown more and more bitter toward it, because those moments it takes are mine. I didn't offer them, or neglect them....they are just taken, without warning, but certainly not without notice. Fear and anxiety are often paralyzing. Sometimes it takes going against what every single muscle in your body is screaming at you- just to take a leap, and that leap can be something as seemingly small as answering a phone call or leaving the house some days. I know I say it often, but I am so thankful for these girls. I am thankful that between them and God's word there is always hope for me to be pulled back to reality and rescued from the darkness that comes with fear. I am putting more of my "ugly" out there, because it is what we face daily that makes us who we are, the good and the bad. I'm saying all of this to say, we shouldn't be afraid to share our struggles and hurt. The story of your climb could very well fill the missing rung on the ladder for someone else.

We have a tool at our finger tips to help us reach people that are lonely or hurting, but we have told those people that sharing isn't the thing to do. I refuse to believe that the compassionate people that I admire would prefer to have people hide their hurt.

 You don't have to cry in the shower. It is OK to cry with a friend. It doesn't mean you are weak. You don't have to sit alone and convince yourself that you can't tell anyone how you feel. There are people out here that want to listen to and pray for you. Even Elsa learned, "dont let them in don't let them see" just leds to more hurt. (#girlmom)😊

We have such an amazing opportunity to build a loving community around each other, if we just take the first step by saying, "you don't have to be afraid to share."

I'll go first...
Sweet friends, you don't have to be afraid to share. I know that often bruises don't show on the surface, but that doesn't take away the pain. You are not broken. You were created in such a beautiful image. I know it's not easy to remember, but He has scars too. There is beauty there. There is precious restoration in community that simply can't happen alone. I am here for you. You are loved. You are cared for. You are worthy. You are so worthy. There is hope. There is healing. ❤

I didn't realize until the past year that it is possible to be happy and lonely at the same time. I always imagined loneliness would look like depression and hurt looks. The thing is, things don't always fit into the boxes we imagine. You can be happy, thankful, and blessed, but still be lonely. The truth is, making grown up friends can be hard. Finding people that can relate to your season is hard. Allowing people to get to know your heart brings a lot of feelings- it's hard, exciting, hopeful and overwhelmingly terrifying at the same time. Connecting with people on a below the surface level can be rough. Not every season is beautiful, but there is beauty to be found in every season.

Sometimes, just like the trees in the winter, all of our leaves fall off and we are left with the bare, vulnerable, uncovered branches that make up who we are. There are moments that sometimes turn into long seasons when the covering that hides us, comforts us, and keeps us feeling secure is stripped off and we are left standing there feeling uncomfortable and lonely.

The thing I'm realizing about this season is that while I am ready for it to end, it's something that needed to happen. Being bare and uncomfortable I am being forced to put myself out there more.

I am learning to stop making excuses for who and how I am. I am learning to stop coming up with reasons why, in my mind, other women hold more value than I do. I am learning to stop telling myself that they wouldn't be friends with me because I wear t-shirts and jeans and they dress so cute. Surely they think I don't care to do more with myself. Or their house is always immaculate and I have paint hand prints on the wall and a sink full of dishes....always. Who wants to be friends with someone they think is a slob?I am certain they wouldn't want to be friends with a woman like me. We are too...different? I have heard these and so many more, but not from other women. It's simply something my mind has over analyzed, taking away the opportunity to see if a friendship could be there, because I have already made that decision for both of us. This season is silencing that inner voice.

This season is turning the faint whispers that softly said, "you are made in the image of God" into booming yells that remind me of my cheerleader days...you know, the ones that are loud and sometimes annoying, but they are cheerful, supportive, encouraging yells that you simply can't continue to ignore.

Being lonely has led me to seek even more of God's face. I'm not just seeking comfort, I'm seeking a friendship that cannot be found in even the best of friends on earth and you know what? He provides.

I am learning how to be patient in waiting periods (even though it's a struggle many days.) I can already assure you the patience thing is going to come in hand in the teenage years that are rapidly approaching.

You know how when you're in the middle of a bitter winter, summer feels so far away? That's how a season of loneliness feels. Let's be honest, that how many seasons feel. You know it's coming, but it feels so far away sometimes. Then, out of the blue the sun peeks through the gray skies and you feel the warm sun shine down. Even if it's only for a second- it may be a verse you read that made you feel like God specifically wrote it to you, for this moment. Or it may be a sweet unexpected conversation, a kind gesture of understanding from another person struggling in the season they are in too, or maybe even just a smile from a stranger. These moments are golden. They are the little bits of love sent to serve as a reminder that this too shall pass, and eventually, all seasons change.

Loneliness is not a hot topic that we all want to talk about, or make posts about. There is something about the word lonely that instantly makes you feel defeated, but as a mom that has been in this season for a while...I wish we could talk about it more. Maybe then it wouldn't feel so foreign. Maybe then, if and when you enter it, it won't feel like your walking around aimlessly in uncharted territory.

You know when you read that post about threenagers and it makes you giggle a little? You get it, but can't fully comprehend its magnitude because you are holding that sweet 3 month old in your arms that doesn't have witty comebacks yet, only sweet gummy smiles. Then, you blink and that precious 3 month old is 3.5 and you're struggling and something makes you remember that post you read way back then. It strikes a happy place in your heart because it reminds you that others have come to this place before you and made it out alive! There is hope for you after all!

We need more of that comfort, understanding and more "sweet friend, I have been there" when it comes to loneliness, friendship hurdles, parenting struggles, depression and other less glamorous topics.

I'm putting this out there to say, if you are in a cold season and you need a little warmth, let's talk about it. Let's mention it and not just lightly, in passing. We don't have to harp on it, but can't we be real with each other? Isn't our mission here is to show love and lead others to God? What better way is there than to embrace other women who are struggling, hurting, lost, or lonely? Then, when we finally enter a warmer season we can rejoice together and celebrate the fact that not only does God give us grace, he sends amazing women to do the same, who have been where we are and made it out just fine.

Let's not just overlook all the struggles and act like if we don't mention it, it isn't there and it never happened. Other women are longing to hear that it happened, because we are longing for someone to relate to. Your struggle doesn't have to be yours alone. We can share the burden.

Couldn't we work on being more transparent with each other? Why stand in a cold, lonely shadow when we can bring warmth and sunshine to someone else? Our struggles have the power to help in this world full of hurt and hopelessness. We can help fill the darkness with rays of light that are full of hope and grace.

God gave us the potential, even in our biggest struggle, to be a game changer for someone else...and you never know, they may do the same for you. That's kingdom work and in case you need a reminder just like I did, it's worth putting yourself out there for. ❤️

Reaching for a hand, when I should be seeking a face.

When I originally pulled out my laptop it was to write about our upcoming journey and all of the decisions we are being faced with, but I decided to spend some time in my prayer journal first. I have been seeking wisdom for my husband and I to make the right decisions, take the right paths, be the leaders we need to be for our family, especially our pre-teens for a long time and I'll be honest, while I know without a doubt God is hearing, at times I have been frustrated that he isn't always so swift to answer.

I have been feeling the need to write something, anything, for a while now, but always shrug it off either because I don't have anything I want to write about, or I just don't have time between the constant cooking, dishes and schoolwork. Writing hasn't been a priority, even when I could feel I was being urged to make time to do it.

As soon as I opened this page to start writing I could hear God say, "FINALLY!" It's funny how He works, isn't it? I always expect to hear his whispers while I am in his word, or spending time journaling my prayers. Reading that out loud, it really sounds sort of selfish on my part, doesn't it? Why do I always need something? Is the only reason I spend time with God each day because of what I need from him? Is this a two way street like that? I give him an hour each day, he gives me what I ask for? I mean, after all, relationships are give and take, right? Why do I always want expect God to talk to me about my problems, when I should just be spending time getting to know him through his word. Why do I open my bible and even if I don't say it, subconsciously, I am hoping that I am going to open that sweet little book up to the perfect page that lays out all of the answers before me. You know you've said it too, "God, please just let me open my bible up to a page that was meant for me right now. I need to hear you."

I may be on my own here, but while I am a total introvert in this world, I am not when it comes to my relationship with God. I am not afraid to ask things of him, or to put it all out there. The problem with that is, I do so much talking, so much requesting, that I do not spend enough time listening.
Please know that I am not saying not to go to God in prayer when you have a need. Go to him first, always. 

The thing about God is, he never asks for our relationship to be a classic give and take. He never tells us, let's make a deal. He always listens, always comforts, always accepts and always loves- even when we have absolutely nothing to offer him.

When I think about how God loves me and my relationship with him, I always think about being a mom. There will never be anything that my daughters could do, to make my love for them go away. I will never stop seeing the beauty in them. No matter how far they stray, I will never give up hope on them. Why? Because they are mine. I have watched them grow. I have watched them change. I know their hearts. I know they are worth fighting for. I know that He feels the same way about me (and you.)

I am selfish. I do things with motives that I don't even realize sometimes. I am human. God knows this. He just needed me to remember too. Gotta love it when you feel like you're growing so much spiritually, then he takes you right back to the basics. The reality is, we aren't being brought back to square one; we're being reminded that we are still learning, still on a journey, and if you ask me, it's pretty darn humbling. I realize now, that I have been spending so much time in the word, praying, reading, learning, seeking his hand to lead me, to comfort me, to love me. While it was with great and honest intentions, I have been doing it completely wrong. 

All this time I should have been seeking his face, not his hand. When I seek him unselfishly, he gives his whole self in return. Seeking his face means that I am not just searching for what he has to offer me, I am longing to be in his presence. There is comfort there and love, insurmountable love. Seeking his face means that I am unselfishly, with no other motivation, trying to reach God, just to be near him; only then am I going to undoubtedly hear Him and keep an open line of communication.

So, today is a turning point for me. I am going to seek God with new intentions. All I want, is to embrace him. I want to know him more. I want to sit at his feet and dwell in the glory that was, that is, and will be- because my God, he's got my back. He knows what I need. He knows where I need it, when I need it and how I need it. I need to focus on trusting him more and letting there be enough stillness and quiet that I can hear his whispers. Those sweet whispers are worth more than gold.

My heart has heard you say, "come and talk with me." And my heart responds, "Lord, I am coming."

In the moment

Tonight's post will be short and sweet, because I have been without my husband all week and I am utterly exhausted (here's to time away to realize what a helpful husband you have.)

Tonight's challenge post is "something I do every day." I could list several things that I am grateful for that I get to do every day, breathing, waking up to the sunshine pouring in my windows, waking up next to the man that I love, praying diligently over my precious family, seeing God's grace in countless situations through the day, and soooo many more things. But the one thing that I do every day, that I appreciate the most in this season of my life is having the opportunity to tuck my girls in and kiss them good night. I know it seems like such a simple task, or...some nights it can seem like a daunting one when you're ready to fall into bed after a rough day, but I know these nights won't last forever. One day, one day very soon, our girls won't want me to tuck them in, and kiss them good night. So, for now, I am going to savor each little bedtime moment that I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to embrace with them. I will give "just one more ugga mugga" and many nights I may snuggle with them for a while. When I am gone and all they have are memories with me, I want them to remember me being patient in the fragile little moments, like when they are burdened with the pre-teen stress from their day as they lay down their heads, or when they were 4 and scared of the dark. I want them to look back and remember the gentle caress of their hair when all the rest of the world seemed rough. I will never be a superhero, but I pray that I can be exactly what they need, in these moments.

Night, loves. <3

Beauty in the mundane

As a stay at home, homeschooling Mom, I often take for granted the things that are right in front of me; the biggest being my girls. I have 3 amazing daughters. They are 12, 10 and 4. They are every ray of sunshine in my mornings and every twinkling star in my night. Being with them 24-7, I often catch myself focusing on the countdown to bedtime, or the (rare) date night or Mom's night out. I know that to keep myself healthy I need time away from my kids, but I also know that without them, I wouldn't be who I am.

I am making it my goal this week to focus more on the beauty in the mundane. The bubble baths with Brenny, Ha asking me to braid her hair, or the long lasting hugs (every hour) from E.

 I have family that lives in a beautiful place, surrounded by stunning mountain views. When we went to visit them not long ago, I asked my sweet cousin if you ever stop noticing the magnificence that surrounds you. She told me yes, you do. You get busy and pass the same mountain several times a day. After a while it all starts blending in to the background, but then, God sends a awe inspiring sunset, or a rainbow, or just extraordinary clouds and you look harder and are reminded of all of the glory in what has been around you the entire time.

These beautiful girls are something I see every day. I am human, and that means that there will be moments, hours, days that are not my finest. There are many days that I let the beauty slip through the cracks under the door and all I see is the in and out, the back and forth, the bickering, but in reality, these tiny moments- the ones that may not seem to hold much value or priority in the moment, they are the moments that make up the most grand picture that is my life. I am so thankful for my girls. I am thankful for the big moments and little.  I want focus more on actually seeing them, and all of their splendor, instead of letting them slip into background beauty. The greatest masterpieces are the most captivating and these girl are just that. They hold so much beauty, so much love and laughter in their little hearts. There will be days that I fail, but as their Mom I am making it my goal, every day, to focus on their beauty and let the walls be background, not them. <3

My biggest feat

Most people who know me know that I struggle with anxiety. It has kept me paralyzed by fear and missing out on so many special moments in the last several years of my life. It is not something I am quiet about. I think more people should talk about mental disorders, and I firmly believe that anxiety is right up there with depression. It can absolutely wreck your life, if you let it.

In my struggle with anxiety I have learned a lot about myself; some things that I never wanted to know, and others that I am happy to have found. The biggest thing I have learned is that it is dyer that we know what makes us tick, where our happy place is and what restores our soul. For me, nature is like a tall drink of water. On my worst days, a walk alone, listening to the rain on my window, or even just 5 minutes sitting on my porch, basking in the sweet sunshine and the sound of the birds does wonders for restoring my spirit.

Taking time to breathe some fresh air and truly be observant of my surrounds, I always have the most gentle reminder that MY God made this. HE did all of this simply by speaking it into existence. He gave breath to the trees and a song to the birds, and there is no doubt that He can help me overcome my anxiety. Nature is my go to friend and my steady reminder that with Him, all things are possible and that is something that I am eternally grateful for. 

This place called home